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When Iceland’s economy turned slushy earlier this year, Monocle ran a story encouraging the Icelandics to capitalise on their beautiful gene pool and promote local models to ride out the financial storm. For a staid magazine like Monocle, which usually sticks to charts and graphs to illustrate its point, to make such a suggestion is a statement on where we all are today. We’re in the shits. We’re desperate enough to listen to the crazy gypsy fortune teller next door—or even take advice from B EAST. So, let’s take this opportunity and dish some out. First on the agenda, recession tips for Estonia.

Estonia, the former Baltic Tiger, which was once the darling of the business media for its IT-savvy elite (think Skype) and transparent tax system has been pummeled by the crisis. Grown fat on easy loans from Swedish banks, the Estonians were the first to taste the sting of the global downturn as cheap credit dried up. The real estate bubble, which gave bubbly blondes with overpriced flats a reason to feel really good about themselves, burst last year, prices dropping as much as forty percent. For Estonia to pick up the pieces, and get back to feeling part of the Nordic club, it better listen to us.

BE NICE TO FINNS

When their economy was rocketing in the years after EU accessions, Estonians turned bitchy and icy towards their northern brothers, the Finns. They were dismissed as fat, arrogant, tasteless louts who came south on ‘vodka’ tourism. But now that their economy has gone south, it’s time to remember that the Finns were their strongest allies during the Soviet times, and that ‘vodka’ tourism contributes almost 10 percent to the GDP. Even as far-flung tourists ditch Estonia for a holiday closer to home, the Finns are gonna keep pouring in, more eager in a downturn for a drunken weekend a boat ride away. So Estonians, learn to smile again as you did in the 90s and welcome them back. It’s time to give some respect to your elder brother. And, dare we say it, even get ready to learn something from the more frugal Finns, the least flashiest race in Europe.

BE EVEN NICER TO RUSSIANS
This might be a harder, but it’s just as important. Estonia’s downturn can also be traced back to the aftermath of the Bronze Solider dispute when the country infuriated Putin’s Russia and saw its exports boycotted in Moscow and St. Petersburg. Tourism from Russia also dried up in its aftermath, and local companies turned to Ukraine instead when seeking to tap emerging markets. But Ukraine has collapsed and Russia is more durable a parnter in the long term, so time for the arrogant Estonians to polish up their russki and, even, considering making some sort of apology for the monument removal. Russians are effusive in their forgiveness, and having good relations with the bear, could revitalise the country’s economy.

GET SEXY AGAIN!
During the 90s, Estonia was famous for its women, seen by some as having the most beautiful girls in the Eastern Bloc. They were Scandinavian-looking yet Eastern in temperament, tall and Nordic, yet sensual and sweet at the same time. With the financial boom and the influx of fast-food chains, the Cinderellas turned into pumpkins. The girls got fat, loud, aggressive, and much worse. Too many of them worked at pubs in the UK and brought its brash, masculine culture back home. The post-EU generation prided themselves on their bright blond hair, too-tight jeans and candy-colored mobiles, turning into caricatures of Midlands girls. While the Russians in Estonia stayed slim and elegant for the most part, the Estonians became Nordic in the wrong sense as they lived off the fat of the new EUrope.

Well, now is the time to copy those russian girls and turn slim, sexy and sensual again. The modeling industry will pick up and the fashion world will welcome the next generation of Carmen Kasses. Looking better will have other side effects: it’ll greatly improve the mood of the men, while spurring increased competition among women. Both those things can only be good for the economy.

UNEMPLOYED? MAKE MORE BABIES …

Estonia’s greatest problem even during the boom years was that it didn’t have enough manpower to staff the fast-growing economy. It’s tiny population of just 1.3 million was shrinking under the double impact of low birth rates and high emigration. Successful Estonians left for better jobs in the West, while some Russians gave it all up and moved to friendlier places. Meanwhile, many families had just one child, some two, while three was quite rare. Too busy making money, most Estonians couldn’t find the time to parent more than a child or two, if that. Now’s the time though for the locals to use those long winters to good use by making babies. There’ll be plenty of opportunity to make money again in 2-3 years time when things begin to tick again, but, meanwhile, do your bit for the country. If fertility becomes a priority now, there’ll be enough fresh-faced Eestis around to fuel the next economic boom, and give the country some more muscle in the region.

Most of us were either unborn or wearing long-collared floral shirts to family picnics when Belize-born Bert Bivens started spinning at Studio 54 in 1977, during the glory days of the New York downtown scene. Andy Warhol, Blondie, Mick Jagger, Basquit and the bohemian elite of the Big Apple once danced, snorted or shagged to his deep house and disco tracks. (Think of Peanut Butter by Larry Levine, or just watch the movie).

That was thirty years ago and so it was a surprise to meet up with Bert in Kiev this March. Fifty now, and an avid basketball player, he’s lost none of the spike and clubland energy of his early twenties. Instead, it seems that Bert has been surfing the winds of change for the last few decades. Having helped establish Ministry Club in London in the early 90s, he was grooving out hip Tallinn in the late 90s, at its Vibe parties and Prive house club.

Today, he thinks that Kiev is where it’s happening. “It’s got a very fresh energy. It all took off here only four years ago, after the Orange Revolution,” he says with an emphasis that comes with true belief. Having helped set up Kiev’s first electronic music venue, Sound Planet, three years ago, he is now working on various projects, including starting a ‘house music’ festival here and opening other clubs with new partners.

Like most who’ve partied in Moscow, he loves Russia too and spins there regularly. He has played at an Oligarch’s birthday bash in Siberia and in the once-closed military city of Chelyabinsk. “That was mad,” he remembers. “The club was rammed hours before I came on set. I was the first foreign DJ they had ever heard.” He also spins at St. Petersburg’s Jetset and Moscow’s XIII. But Kiev is his base, his home, when he’s not spending time at his house in Queens, New York. It’s where he watches his favorite football team Liverpool, with his basketball mates, and works on his own musical projects. “It’s a great city, happening, but with a very relaxed vibe. I find it a lot more fun that stressful Moscow.”

Like most in the city, he’s gearing up for the 2012 European Cup games, that’ll be hosted in both Poland and Ukraine. “The next four years are going to a boom time,” he says, moving his hand upwards. “Now is the time to get in before it turns into another Prague.”

Since he’s been where it’s happening for much of the last 30 years, we tend to believe Bert. And when he declares that Kiev has the most beautiful women on the planet, we’re certainly in agreement.

CHECK OUT MORE ON KIEV HERE…